For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Oh my God.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.