Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
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🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.