Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
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Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Just parrot things
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Me sliding into hell like
lmao
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…