@farleftcoast: For Christmas this year I'm going to pay my bills and look at pictures of Europe and cry.
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@KeetPotato: me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda
@causticbob: I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish". Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
@marebytes: Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.
@daemonic3: [date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure