Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
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wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.