For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.