Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.