At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Birds & Planes.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
When ur friends with white people
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Simple enough.