Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.