For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
The symmetry is uncanny.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ