the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Well well well…
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Kids, do not try this at home!
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory