For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The days of good grammer has went
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie