strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)