For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away