For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Monday
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.