For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch