“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth