For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
There’s only one good girl here!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.