@RexHuppke: For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
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@BrainFumbles: How to get a woman: 1) find one who sells cars 2) take a test drive 3) just keep driving She's yours now, plus you have a new car.
@kumailn: Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
@HeatherLuvsYou: Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice. Take alligators for example.
@MartinPilgrim1: My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking