For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight