FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
That’s incredible! 👌
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]