FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked