FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Life with a cat in one tweet
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what