Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
You Might Also Like
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”