For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.