For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.