For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Not helping
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.