For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
OKAY DAD
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
the Monday after daylight savings
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.