FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
The Friday File.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Love is always patient and kind.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
How do I rate our solar system?
One star