True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’m not stressed
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again