@Amber_duds: For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too young to have kittens.
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@JB4Realz: HER: I'm leaving! ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes? *she just turns & walks away* (crunch) (crunch) (crunch) (crunch)
@ohpegah: I've started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie) Examples: "See you in a shrek!" (1hr 35min) "Dinner will be ready in half a shrek." (47.5min) "My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!" (1 month)
@emptydahl: Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.
@ericsshadow: NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks