For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW