For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
absolute chaos
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.