@Black__Elvis: For years I thought that my wife was repulsed by me but as it turns out she just doesn't put out on the first marriage.
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@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.
@FatherWithTwins: My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.