If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
what are they serving at kfc then???
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Krampus.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent