@Black__Elvis: For years I thought that my wife was repulsed by me but as it turns out she just doesn't put out on the first marriage.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers! *thinks about not having to pause TV or games* *orders some*
@Ms612: Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you're probably not making it out alive.
@CelebrityChez: I've found that it's almost impossible to explain to a stranger why you are following them around trying to put egg rolls in their pockets.
@JasonLastname: [sitting at bar next to cute woman] You remind me of my late wife. "Oh I'm so sorry." Don't be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.