Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community