For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
You Might Also Like
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
this article brought to you by lions
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.