For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
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When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.