Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Pikachu found the lost joint
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”