Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I hate my earbuds.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
They also CAN sing✌️
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.