[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor