[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
U talkin 2 me?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One