[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.