@sammontgomery: Forever 21... pounds overweight
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@BritXNic: You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
@Jamie1947: Give a dog a bone and he'll be like, "Oh wow, I love these, thanks" Teach a dog to bone and he'll be like, "dude, I got this"
@briangaar: Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.