@sammontgomery: Forever 21... pounds overweight
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@Dahmerscookpot: Things that don't kill bees 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@trevso_electric: And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.