@sammontgomery: Forever 21... pounds overweight
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@WilliamAder: I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
@bridger_w: "Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who's pointing out a constellation
@msdanifernandez: Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.