Forever 21… pounds overweight
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My daily affirmation
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps