@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
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@Adar79Angie: If I had to list one thing I'm truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
@timdonakowski: Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens.
@_Tempo11: HE'S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers
@lisaxy424: the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought "how badly do I need them"