@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
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@Trillburne: Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century's equivalent of being hot.
@SunshineJarboly: "Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN'T eat chocolate. It'll kill them." - God inventing dogs.
@DaddyJew: Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire