Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
This guy gets it.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird