ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
when nothing goes right… go left
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.