Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
When your best mate counts as a desk too
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park