@abhorrent_wife: Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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@CaptainJerkwad: Hate being a funeral director "why'd u take the job?" I inherited it from my dad "You could've just declined it" And lose my first customer?
@LindaInDisguise: Him: Productive conference call? Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
@stevevsninjas: Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
@andiedandie0: Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .