@abhorrent_wife: Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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@piplips: If I don't introduce you to the person I'm with it's because I don't remember either of your names.
@_4kidscrazy: Me: *shakes bosses hand* Sorry I'm late to the meeting boss. Boss: No problem, restroom? Me: Yes, and we're out of TP and hand soap again.
@OohSnapItsChris: My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.