1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.