*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
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I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
(by @ZachWeiner )
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.