[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
You Might Also Like
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes