[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
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this FaceApp is creepy af
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Thursday Thought.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
a god among men
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.