[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Oh. My. God.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes