@ryaninco: Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it's been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.
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@AbrasiveGhost: Search History: Cat armor Buy armor for cats Cat jousting tournaments How to stop armored cats Cat army how to stop national guard phone #
@RobWeb79: Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven't tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
@ScorpionDong: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain streaking" [pilot darts out of the cockpit completely naked]
@WilliamRodgers: The rest of you just need to get fat because I don't feel like going to the gym anymore...