I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I’m sorry…what?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert