Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t